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Post Your funny Jokes Here |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
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Subject: Drug Warning
Importance: High
Police are warning all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub
regulars
to be on alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many
females to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is
now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a
woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless
against this approach. After several "beer" men will often succumb to
desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they
would
never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken
with
only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before,
often
with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men
are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and
sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory
women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in
every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Not really a joke but still good
http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_coast/helicopter_game.htm
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
http://hellsgate.online.ee/~mait/fahrschule.swf
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when
he was 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything,because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason.
You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
------------------------------
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the poor when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point
Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
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drow
Joined: Aug 27, 2002
Posts: 224
From: Denmark
PM |
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
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drow
Joined: Aug 27, 2002
Posts: 224
From: Denmark
PM |
lolol - i simply had to add another one...
***
A couple of months ago, during the soccer wm a new trend started: The use of wm condoms which of course came in the colours gold, silver and bronze.
Hearing this Ben thought he now had a good excuse to get to do some love-making with his wife and asked her which ones he should choose. Of course, Ben was hooked on the gold condoms, though his wife disagreed and said that he should pick up the silver ones instead?
Ben was confused and asked "Why not the gold"?
"Because it's about time that you come second for once" |
Liam
Joined: Aug 21, 2002
Posts: 37
PM |
What do you call astupid Chinese Boy
Dim Sun
Can you tell Iwork in a kitchen? |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Hmmm..
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drow
Joined: Aug 27, 2002
Posts: 224
From: Denmark
PM |
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
[addsig] |
lor
Joined: Mar 07, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Planet Bob
PM |
Loved the 5 stages !!!!
lol, keep em coming
wooooo
[addsig] |
mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Yeah it was funny
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late
one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when
he was 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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mhorton
Joined: Jan 13, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: UK
PM |
Why do people take an instant dislike to Arsenal ??
It saves time.
Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet ??
So they know which end to wipe.
Why do Arsenal men like smart women ??
Opposites attract.
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a 3 bedroom semi ??
A burglar.
What do you say to an Arsenal fan with a job ??
"can I have a Big Mac!"
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit ??
The accused.
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Arsenal strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??
His Dad got him an Arsenal kit.
What do you call an Arsenal fan with half a brain ??
Gifted.
How do the braincells of an Arsenal fan die ??
Alone.
How do you make an Arsenal fan's eyes light up ??
Shine a torch in his ears.
Why should you not allow Arsenal fans a coffee break at work ??
Because it takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call the Arsenal team standing ear to ear ??
A wind tunnel.
Why did the Arsenal fan get sacked from the M & M factory ??
He kept throwing out the W's.
What do you call a fly inside an Arsenal fans head ??
A Space Invader.
A is for Arse, a team that's truly awful
B is for Boring, boring boring Arsen*l
C is for Corruption, bung and all
D is for Donkey, who can't kick a ball
E is for Endsleigh, that's where they belong
F is for Fine, they'll be paying another before long
G is for Graham, the most successful chief
H is for Ha Ha Ha, he was really a thief
I is for Incidents, in a past they can't bury
J is for Jensen, who didn't score too many
K is for Kill, that's what they do to the game
L is for Laugh, when they bring it into shame
M is for Merson, who sniffed up a line
N is for Nayim, from the half way line
O is for Offside, their favourite tactic
P is for Paris, and we were ecstatique
Q is for Quick, get past the back four
R is for Rubbish, 'cos they're really that poor
S is for Sunday, in April '91
T is for Tottenham, who beat the scum 3-1
U is for Ugly, so much of it, it should really be in a bank
W is for Wank, Ian Wank, Wank, Wank
Y is for Why, are they such a big bore
Z is for Zero, 'cos that's all that they score
Q. How long has Tony Adams played for Arsen*l?
A. Donkeys years.
Q. How many Arsen*l players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eleven - one to change it and ten to play the offside trap.
Heard the one about David Seaman? He never keeps a clean sheet.
When Gazza scored at Wembley, Seaman was all over the place.
Q. What's the difference between Paul Merson and the rest of the Arsen*l team?
A. One takes dope and the rest are dopes.
Q. What have Paul Merson and a can of Coca Cola got in common?
A. Their both red and white and full of coke.
Q. Why is the pitch at Highb*ry so green?
A. Because they keep putting lots of shit on it.
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go to die?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go on holiday?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
666 - The number of the beast. 6 - The number of the donkey.
Q. How come Arsen*l fans don't fall asleep during a match?
A. The smell of their ground keeps them awake.
Q. What's the highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Pro-plus (sleep repellant).
Q. What's the second highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Horlicks.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
George.
George who?
You're on the jury!
Q. What is the difference between Paul Merson and a former Arsen*l player, surname George?
A. One Charlie shoots, the other shoots Charlie.
Q. What is the difference between Jon Pertwee and Ray Parlour?
A. Ray Parlour still looks like Worzel Gummidge.
Q. At Highb*ry, what is the difference between the words 'disciplinary' and 'football'?
A. 'Disciplinary' is the only one associated with the word 'action'
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Raven
Joined: Jul 01, 2002
Posts: > 500
From: Norway
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carpe noctem | |
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Access the forum with a mobile phone via esato.mobi
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Posted: 2002-08-23 18:44
